After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems; document their repairs on the form and then pilots
review the gripe sheets before the next flight.


Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some
actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P)
and the solutions recorded by the maintenance engineers (marked with an M).
(By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
M: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
M: Something tightened in cockpit.


P: Dead bugs on windshield.
M: Live bugs on back-order.


P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
M: Evidence removed.


P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
M: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
M: That's what they're for.


P: IFF inoperative
M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


P: Suspected crack in windshield.
M: Suspect you're right.


P: Number 3 engine missing.
M: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


P: Aircraft handles funny.
M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


P: Target radar hums.
M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


P: Mouse in cockpit.
M: Cat installed.


P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
M: Took hammer away from midget.